Breakup on E.V. Drive

*I would like to start this off by saying that I am writing this because writing has always been very therapeutic for me. This is my journey and I am doing the best that I can with what I’ve got. I am not trying to place blame on anyone. This is my side of the story. These are my emotions.

**This was written about a month ago. I wanted to post it to show how much progress I think I have made but also to remind myself of where I was just a little bit ago. It has been edited just a little bit, but most of it remains true to the original emotions that I was experiencing.

2022 was an interesting year for me. A year that I thought could not go wrong in any way went wrong in so many ways. Half of the year, I was at my happiest. The happiest I had ever been. But a lot happened in August that changed that. I got my heart broken. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up. It was my first relationship and it only lasted a year, but it was a year where I was extremely happy. I was in love. And it hurt when it was over. It hurt(s) really really bad.

The breakup put me in a negative place that I haven’t been in a really long time. And to be completely honest, it was a very large struggle. My depression and anxiety took a turn for the worst. There were so many things that I now had to worry about that I didn’t even think about when I was in a relationship. The breakup hit me hard. I had and, sometimes still do, have difficulty eating. Sometimes I will eat and it just won’t sit well with me, so I throw it all up. I had a really hard time getting out of bed. I was barely sleeping and any sleep that I did get was haunted by memories of us or nightmares, both which made me wake up crying. I have felt so many different things the last month.

I have always struggled with depression, but the breakup was making it so much worse. I had been able to be stronger than it for so many years. But I was letting it get the better of me because I had my heart broken. I let myself think the worst things about myself. I felt worthless. I felt alone and lonely. I was so sad all of the time. I was heartbroken. I was and still am scared that no one will ever love me again. And I’m scared to even let anyone love me again. To feel like no one ever fights for you is one of the worst feelings. I had all of these thoughts roaming around in my head for weeks. I went to school and to church and I talked with people and hung out with friends. But as soon as I was alone, the thoughts consumed me. I am not saying any of this to say that it is anyone’s fault or place blame on my ex in a situation where he doesn’t deserve it. It is just how I felt after the breakup. Breakups hurt you in ways you never thought you could hurt.

Heartbreak is hard in so many ways. You plan a life with your significant other. You make plans for the future and you share things with them that you wouldn’t share with others. They get to know all of you – the good parts and the bad. You are in love. You get to kiss them and hold them. You get told “I love you” in a romantic way every single day. You share memories that you can’t just forget; you can’t just throw them in the trash and never see them again. The memories live with you forever. I don’t regret any of the time I spent with him. I don’t regret falling in love with him. I don’t regret anything with him. I just wish I was still with him and that we could have worked through this. I wish it was easier to move on, or that I could suddenly wake up with amnesia and forget all of the memories that we share just so it can stop hurting me. Because it hurts so much.

Moving on is a hard thing to do. Especially when you loved someone so deeply. It is made a much easier experience when you have friends and family backing you up. I am very fortunate to have friends and family that have been by my side for all of this. I don’t know the exact saying but there is a saying that basically says something along the lines of seeing the truth when the glasses come off. Again, not the exact saying, but it is roughly that. The glasses coming off after the breakup has been an interesting experience. I have learned more about myself and my relationship than I thought I could learn. And sometimes learning these things will hurt. I am not great at taking criticism but it is something that I’ve had to learn to take and I have had to learn how to take a look at my own mistakes and recognize them as mistakes. I can’t change him or make him see anything my way and I have to realize that it doesn’t matter anymore. But sometimes you have to get hurt to move on, to realize you own self-worth, to recognize the faults so that you can work on it and do better in the future, to become the best version of yourself that you can be. Absolutely demand the best from yourself and for yourself. And maybe talk to your friends and see what they think about the choices you’ve made during and after the relationship. They only want what is best for you. And sometimes it is nice to just talk to another person about everything.

For me, moving on has and will continue to be a process. One of the biggest parts of that process is being in therapy. I chose to go to therapy after the breakup for many reasons. I learned a lot about myself from this relationship. There are things I want to work on. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. But I also wanted to get help for my anxiety and depression. I wanted help healing from this breakup and, knowing that I am really bad at communication, I put myself in the position where I am forced to discuss what is going on in my life. Therapy has been really good for me. I am also doing so many other and new things. I am graduating this year with a Bachelor’s degree in English and next year I will get my teaching degree. I have been spending so much time with my friends and have made some new friends that I am so grateful for.

I was single for most of my life – 19 years. And I know that somewhere in that time period I was happy with myself and being not in a relationship. I’m trying to find her again. I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. When I was in the relationship, I was so happy – so so happy. And he helped me see the beauty in the things around me. And when I was with him, I felt loved in a way that I had never been loved before. Now that he’s gone, I am terrified that no one will love me (in a romantic way) again, absolutely scared out of my mind. Because in my 21 years of life, he was the only one who ever loved me like that. But I need to be alone for a while. I need to find happiness in myself. I need to work on myself.

I am not ok, but that is ok.

I am hurting, but that’s ok.

I don’t know the answers to anything (and as much anxiety as that causes me), that’s ok.

I am grateful for the relationship and what I have learned from it. I love him and I probably always will, because I know that this could’ve been it for us. I appreciate the relationship and maybe one day I will be able to look back on it fondly. It hurts too much to do that right now, but one day…